Sunday, August 19, 2012

Just don't need to read only but the last sentence.

I need to vent for a little bit...Blogging is always really good for that right?

I love blogging, I miss it too much but I just can't find the time or the energy these days. There are plenty of days that I think of my blog and think that our family is missing out on a great record of the year, and at the end of this year when I go to publish my blog it will be a sad little book. That is one of my problems though is I think of things like that and it stresses me out. But I can't continue to compare my self to other's and their blogs and pinterest ideas and etsy's. Yeah I am a crafty person and I am certain that I could make all that crap I see and repin and like, BUT I DON'T HAVE TIME! So I just try to avoid it, like I have with my blog...just avoid it.

Right now I am so stressed out about life and everything that surrounds it and I feel like I can't get control of all of it. Since Jed started his night shifts back in May life has been beyond what I can handle. Around that same time work schedule picked up and I am swamped with work. Elliot continues to grow into a little terror, especially now that he is mobile. Today he pulled the DVD player off it's poorly secured stand and fell scrapping his little  head and leaving a huge goose egg...I am sure that is the first of many! But All of these things are just little things that continually add up.

About a month and a half ago I approached the bishop and told him I was so overwhelmed that I wanted to be released from the young women's...he said they would do it the following week. Well it still hasn't happened. Meanwhile I have just backed out and said I am unavailable, but every week I feel so incredibly guilty that I am not around to help. I would go but Jed works and that means I have to take Elliot, before then all it did was create huge contention at home and I hated that. So now I am really annoyed with our bishop and wondering why two weeks ago he released our secretary...I wonder if he confused her with me? Well either way I am still in the young women's and it not only bugs me it really stresses me out.

Last month we found out that Jed's company was being sold and he would be laid off. Needless to say we stressed about that. We didn't know if the new company would hire him back on and if so at what rate. Then, after his interview he was offered a move to Fairbanks, yeah, not exactly what we were expecting. So for several days we talked about it and discussed the possibilities. If we moved to Fairbanks, I would have to drop my classes this semester and it would postpone my graduation by another year. I was so worried about it but also interested in the money that we could save. After all that stressing, Jed decided that it wasn't enough money and turned it down. He luckily will be able to stay in his current position at his current rate. The new company, in my opinion, is not quite as good as the former but at least he has a job.

We sold my car, just to start cutting down on finances and because I have talked about cutting back to part time when school starts. But that means that I have to drive Jed's truck with the camper on it. It is a huge beast and it is impossible to park, it is scary to drive and I think I am going to have an anxiety attack every time I drive it. But we probably won't get a different car until November, because we are trying to get in a better financial situation.

So like I said before I have thought about cutting back to part-time when school starts. I have two semesters left of school. Fall I am signed up for 11 credits, most of them should be fairly easy, but they are busy work classes. Spring I will have my final classes that will be 12 credits and I am done. It makes me sick trying to figure out how I will do all of this. I feel so much anxiety and stress about getting my degree done but then I think there is no possible way that I will be able to do it while working and having a baby/husband. I keep thinking about cutting back to part-time but my current job wouldn't allow me to do that so I would have to find another job and that is almost worse than just staying where I am and I know my responsibilities. But the other thing is I don't know how we would afford to live in Anchorage on one salary. Besides, I would still need daycare and how do we pay for that without me working? Or I work part-time for the soul purpose of paying for daycare...It is stupid.

I have suspected that Elliot had a food allergy for several months. I tried to ask the pediatrician at his 3 month appointment, again at 6 months he finally gave a referral after I practically begged him for one, for allergy testing. Meanwhile, I tried changing my diet while he was breastfeeding, then after he was weaned we tried 3 different formula nothing really making a difference. He is what they call a happy spitter, he isn't fussy, he sleeps through the night, and then some. But he seemed to spit up more than a little bit, and he continues to spit up at 8 months...which is basically vomit because he is eating solids now. He also has eczema in his knee pits, back, head and torso. It seemed like his doctor said it was just usual baby stuff and that I shouldn't bother because he would grow out of it.  But after waiting 2.5 months for his allergy testing we finally had it done and he is allergic to everything:

Wheat, soy, barley, rice, beef, chicken, turkey, peanuts, potatos, and peanuts. This weekend we switched formulas again and it has already made a big difference. Typically at the end of his bottle he would scream bloody murder, I thought it was because he was still hungery, but It was probably because his stomach was upset. So now we are working to find alternatives to his diet, which isn't too bad because he doesn't eat too much right now. But as he gets bigger it will be a pain...but I am not going to think about it. I am just glad we have a little more knowledge and direction.  

In addition to all of this, I have started some medication that is making me very hormonal and I cried today while watching the traveling pant movie...which I had never seen before, and I am sorry I did now. I also cried while watching the West Wing that I have been watching the serieson DVD. makes me sad about America. I hate our country right now...just the government and politicians, Oh yeah and all of the people on Facebook that want to share their political positions! Didn't anyone ever tell you that you the fastest way to loose friends is to talk about religion or politics? I am here by deleting anyone on Facebook who shares anything about Romney/Obama (well except Wade, I have just learned to ignore most of his posts, but I like his other ones). 

I guess bottle line is I am overwhelmed and beyond stressed. If you have any suggestions please let me know!


  1. You should make an appointment to talk to your bishop again. Explain to him your situation again, and if he doesn't offer the information, ask him why you haven't been released yet. If it's because he really feels like you need to remain in the calling, at least you'll know and resign yourself to not fulfilling the calling that you have (since you can't). And you can also let him know that you will not be fulfilling it if you remain in it. As it is, I'm sure that the anticipation of being released is adding to the stress and guilt that you already feel.

    Also, I think your pediatrician is an idiot for not referring you earlier! :D

    I guess my real advice is to cut out everything that you can. If that means blogging, cut it out. If that means reducing exercise time, do it. Only you will know what you absolutely must do and what you do only because you feel like you have to. It is so hard for people (especially women) to say "no" to things that are "expected" of us, but I would say that it is one of the best ways to make yourself more happy and less stressed.

  2. Oh my gosh Sarah I can't believe that list of allergies! Well, I do believe it but I am still in shock. I didn't know people could be allergic to meat. (How do you feel about making fish for Elliot in the future? I know some people can't stand it at all.) I'm so glad you pushed for allergy testing. It seems like doctors are really skeptical of first-time moms. I think you guys are on the right track and you are really thinking through your options before making any decisions. I am so glad you two are a team. Just keep going. I know you can make it through.